


locating | ballum

by lockedinmybody



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Jealousy, M/M, Pining, Sexual Frustration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 18:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19408852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lockedinmybody/pseuds/lockedinmybody
Summary: callum goes to the vic and sees ben on a date with someone else.





	locating | ballum

"Can't we just stay in?" Callum says, pleading, leaning forward in his seat with his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.  
Whitney stops pottering about in the kitchen and turns around to face him, wiping her hands on a teatowel as she leans back against the worktop.  
She tilts her head as he looks at him, a serious look on her face.  
"Why you so keen to stay in?"

Callum quickly averts his eyes to the ground, shame rising up in his gut.  
So it hadn't gone past her then. And of course it hadn't, because Callum had declined every opportunity to go out in the past few weeks.  
Why did they have to live in such a small village?  
He'd started out fully determined to not let Ben have the upper hand; this was _his_ life, and he wasn't going to be controlled by some hard man who thinks he knows everything about him.  
But his body and mind betrayed him, every time Callum bumped into Ben. 

It was like a cruel game. He'd run into Ben five times a day when he didn't want to, and on the days where he kept glancing around to catch a glimpse, Ben was nowhere to be seen.  
He never truly gets what he wants, but Callum had already realised that.

Staying in is easier. It feels like he can't trust himself anymore. He can't be sure anymore that he can keep himself in check when he sees Ben.  
The edges are getting frayed, and any sort of grip disappears once Ben fixes him with an intense stare, one that always means something more.  
And it's not like Ben is being kind to him in any way, helping him out by keeping their communication to a minimum.  
Every meeting they have is filled with meaningful glances that last way too long and snarky comments laced with innuendo.  
It's exhausting, and it sends Callum's mind into a spin.

He doesn't even really understand why Ben hasn't given up yet. From what he can gather, he's not really the type to stick around and keep trying if something isn't handed to him.  
So why isn't he letting this go?  
Callum can only come up with two things: either Ben is a truly mean person, who enjoys sadistically manipulating the people around him and especially those with prominent weaknesses, or Ben has a genuine interest in him.  
Callum prefers to go with the former. 

"Look, I don't know what's goin' on with you, but I don't want to be locked in here forever," Whitney says, trying to encourage him with a soft smile, and Callum feels a stab of pain at her words.  
_Why not? It'll be good practice for being trapped in a loveless marriage for the rest of your life._  
He _has_ to try. Callum knows he can't keep this going forever, so they're off to the Vic for a drink.

The moment he steps into the pub, the feeling that the entire universe is out to ruin his life is once again reaffirmed.  
Ben is sitting in one of the corners of the pub, all cozy, and he's not alone.  
"I'll get the drinks in, yeah," Whitney smiles back at him, patting his arm before wandering off to the bar, and Callum feels like a lost toddler.  
He can't exactly blend into his surroundings, and Ben has some kind of alarm that goes off whenever he's near, because those curious and inviting eyes find him again.

Ben keeps looking at him as Callum helplessly stands near the door, and he starts trailing his index finger over the hand of his date, and up his arm.  
_Get a grip_. Callum makes an effort to look nonchalant, rolling his eyes and finding a table on the opposite side of the pub.  
When he's seated, he realises he can still see Ben from here, but standing up and changing seats feels too obvious, so he stays where he is.  
Callum's eyes snap over when Ben laughs at something, his head thrown back and his hand on his date's shoulder, squeezing.  
The laugh sounds fake to Callum's ears, too loud and airy, but he doesn't even really want to know that, doesn't want to be able to tell when Ben's forcing it. 

"There ya go," Whitney says, coming over with a pint and a glass of wine, setting them both down and taking a seat herself.  
"Thanks," Callum says, smiling at her, and in a moment of desperation he leans over, holding a hand to Whitney's cheek as he kisses her lips.  
She makes a noise of surprise. "Alright, steady," She laughs, and Callum can see she feels a little awkward about it, and _oh God_ he's the one forcing it now.  
"Sorry," Callum says, feeling heat in his cheeks, and he grabs his pint to take a sip.  
"No need," Whitney smiles, putting her hand on top of his, "we're fiancées, ain't we?"  
He smiles back at her, eyes squeezing lightly, and he feels sticky and gross all of a sudden.

The murmurs in his head get louder and louder, as they have been more often lately, the thoughts that don't stop coming, poking at him, and there's too many people in this pub.  
Everything falls too hard on his ears, the music, the chatter of the punters, Linda yelling at Mick about changing a barrel, and Callum can feel his breathing quicken.  
He glances at Ben who is leaning over the table, whispering something into his date's ear, and then his head angles and his date's eyes flutter shut and Callum knows how those lips feel, there, that place right under your ear near the side of your neck, how Ben's stubble scratches in the most pleasant way, and Callum stands up abruptly.  
"Loo," He says simply, and Whitney blinks up at him, before nodding.

He rushes into a cubicle and locks the door, leaning against one of the walls to try and steady his breathing.  
The two top buttons of his shirt open easily, and Callum holds a hand over his furiously beating heart.  
He vaguely hears the door of the loo's open, over the sound of his own harsh breathing, and he doesn't have to look to know who it is.  
A surge of anger hits him suddenly, like the temperature has been rising and rising and now he's boiling over.

"What," Callum says bluntly, unlocking the door and slamming it open but staying where he is as he looks at Ben, "we've gotta stop meeting like this?"  
Ben looks back at him, and Callum sees him swallow thickly, adam's apple going down and up again.  
"Or a different one-liner this time?" Callum raises his eyebrows, and there's a hint of a smile at Ben's mouth, but it's not teasing or mean.  
"I was just comin' to check if you're alright," Ben says, holding his hands up with his palms towards Callum.  
Callum scoffs.  
"Get out, you've got a date to get back to."

Ben stays where he is, standing in the middle of the bathroom, and his eyes trail down from Callum's face and stop at Callum's chest, still rapidly going up and down.  
"Seriously, you alright?"  
Callum grinds his teeth together. He hates this, hates this feeling of not being to handle himself and thus giving Ben Mitchell another chance to come and rescue him.  
This is precisely what he wants to avoid at all costs, and Ben fucks with his head enough as it is, no matter what the circumstances are.  
"You don't care," Callum grits out, and Ben looks genuinely offended by that.  
"Are yo-" Ben starts, but Callum doesn't give him a chance to finish, slamming his fist into the opposite wall of the cubicle.

"Stop!" Callum shouts, holding his hand as he retreats.  
Ben's face drops, and Callum exits the cubicle quickly, rushing over to the sink to hold his hand under cold water. When he looks up in the mirror, his face is flushed.  
He doesn't know how long he stands there for, but Ben turns the tap off.  
"Let's have a look," Ben murmurs quietly, taking Callum's hand in his own as he gently turns it over, fingertips grazing over Callum's skin.  
Callum feels his touch in his bones, reaching all the way through, and he's suddenly tired. So tired of trying to fight this off. 

"It'll probably hurt for a week, but you haven't broken anything." Ben concludes, still holding Callum's hand even though he's now looking Callum in the eyes.  
"Thanks," Callum says, throat feeling dry, and Ben huffs a small laugh.  
"It's fine, just don't take it out on yourself."

Callum presses his lips together as he looks away to the side for a moment.  
"And don't deny it, because I know you think you're to blame. You're not."  
He looks back, and Ben's looking at him with a fond smile, in a way that you can only look at a lover. There's nothing evil about it, and Callum feels both blessed and cursed for being the one who Ben Mitchell looks at like that.  
"Hey," Ben holds a hand to the side of Callum's face, thumb over Callum's cheek, "you've done nothing wrong."  
He says it slowly and quietly, words only meant for the two of them, a tone that speaks understanding and allyship, and Callum doesn't know how to handle this.

"Why do you do this?" Callum says, voice low, but he knows he doesn't sound actually upset.  
Ben laughs, teeth slightly peeking through as he gently moves Callum's head from left to right and back again. "What?"  
"It's somehow easier when you're being a dick," Callum says dryly, and Ben closes his eyes with a smile.  
"Believe it or not," Ben says, and then his face gets more serious, "I can actually see how much you're struggling with yourself."

Callum takes a deep breath in, and it shudders. "I hate you," He says, not looking at Ben, and there's no real heat behind it.  
Ben leans up on his tiptoes, pressing his mouth to Callum's cheek, full and lingering and warm, and Callum can't help himself so he moves an arm around Ben's waist.  
"I know," Ben whispers in the space between them once he's pulled back, and Callum's kissing him before he's properly finished the words.  
He can feel how Ben lets him take the lead, and there's a sense of control as he fully envelops Ben in his arms, squeezing him close.

Ben loops his arms around Callum's neck, pushing himself up and closer, closer, closer. He lets the short strands of hair at the back of Callum's head run through his fingers and then he pulls, gently, and Callum feels heat stir in his stomach.  
"Fuck," Callum whispers, exasperated, and then Ben's mouth is back on his, sliding his tongue past Callum's lips like they're not in a public bathroom.  
Like this isn't the umpteenth time they've done this, _here_ , and it's eating Callum alive, the dichotomy of having never felt more alive whilst slowly dying.  
Callum lets one of his hands fall a little lower than Ben's back, and Ben groans quietly, head moving away from Callum's, catching his lip between his teeth as he does so.  
They breathe harshly as they stay like that, until Ben steps back, out of Callum's embrace.

"I've gotta go," Ben says, pointing his thumb back at the door.  
"Really?" Callum says, an invitation he hopes Ben grabs with both hands.  
But it's not enough, and he kind of knows Ben won't settle.  
"Like you said," Ben says, hand on the door, "I've got a date to get back to."

**Author's Note:**

> thanks very much for reading! please do let me know what you thought.  
> you can also find me on [tumblr](https://softlofty.tumblr.com/) :)


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